Who are the real Layts and Suths?
To a casual observer, the musical phenomenon known as laytsandsuths is a simple enough proposition: a couple of average Joes, not particularly talented or insightful, with a repertoire of four-chord songs about subjects as undemanding as coffee. This is an understandable and certainly forgivable notion as, when taken at face value, that is exactly what laytsandsuths are. The problem with this view is that it in no way helps to explain the legions of fans, dozens of celebrity devotees (among the most recent Sarah Jessica-Parker and Calista Flockhart) or critical, commercial and sexual successes that have come to the duo over the past few years. For example, how did Ben Layton and Martin Sutherland become Time magazine’s ‘Men of the Decade” on the back of such apparently juvenile lyrics as: “Let’s go to the Spar/It’s not very far/We’ll get there in a car/And buy a maaaaarrow”?
Furthermore, Murgatroyd’s a dick. These apparent conflicts attest as much to the subtlety of the work as to its quality – as elucidated by the eminent laytsansuthsologist Dave Basset:
“…both the razor-sharp social observations and the transcendental nature of certain passages can only be glimpsed when the protective façade is removed and the inner workings of the duo exposed.”
In other words, you have to know Layts and Suths before you can understand Laytsandsuths.
Suths
Martin Sutherland was born in a Siberian Gulag, or Russian concentration camp, in 1938 (or 1984, according to some reports). Originally named Alexander Russiarussiarussiachechnyakov, he changed his name by deed poll to Martin Sutherland upon the execution of his parents in 1941. They were convicted of attempting to poison the dictator Josef Stalin by adding a fine clean white substance to his afternoon coffee (a theme revisited in the 2001 classic ‘Brewtime’). One can only speculate as to the effects the loss of his parents must have had on the young Martin’s psyche –to this day he has steadfastly refused to discuss this period with anybody outside his immediate group of himself. What we do know is that, as a direct consequence of the state’s murderous actions, the barely three-year old Martin was left alone in the middle of the Siberian forest to fend for himself, unarmed and unaided.
For over three weeks Martin wandered the forest, living off nuts, berries, and cute baby foxes that he twatted with a machete - the little fucking bastards. He would surely have perished in the harsh Arctic winter had he not made the acquaintance of another abandoned orphan, an Italian named Remus, and a she-wolf. With a constant source of nourishment (from suckling Eleanor, as the wolf came to be known) and a supportive, if slightly “touchy-feely” (gay), companion in Remus, Martin now had the resources to achieve the incredible feats that have since marked him out as one of the most extraordinary characters of this Millenium, if not of all time and more and ever.
At the age of five, the now bearded Martin founded a settlement on the banks of the river Tiber, which would come to dominate the Western World for the next three thousand years. A year later, whilst sitting in the now-great city’s main orchard, an apple had the good fortune to fall on his head, thus creating gravity (an event referred to in the 2004 smash hit ‘Inventor’). Other achievements during Martin’s formative years include the unravelling of the human Genome, inventing wood, and finding water.
(Top Left: The discovery of wood and water changed the face of Western civilization immeasurably.) (Top Right: The creation of gravity transformed everyday human life.)
It was at the age of seven, whilst guiding the Israelites to the “land of milk and honey” that Martin first encountered what was to eventually become his raison d’être: the world of music (not World Music). It was at this point that ‘the Lord’ (Hebrew for Layts) spake unto ‘Abraham’ (Hebrew for Suths) from a burning bush:
“16And it shall come to pass Let’s write a tune Have you got a plectrum?”
It was at the party of one Pete McGowan that the duo first performed their signature tune Uptalker (the Best Song Ever®), along with a heavier number they would later discard called “Smells Like Teen Spirit”. Fortunately for us, the public reaction to the performance was preserved for posterity in the diary of a young local man called Pepys:
“It was ace, like, well mad. I was caned off my tits.”
Nice one. ‘Uptalker’ (the Best Song Ever®) was recorded and demo CD’s were sent off to numerous record companies. After several rejections, it fell to a perceptive young promoter called Brian Epstein to recognize the immense potential of Laytsandsuths, and sign them up to his label. Thanks to the excellent publicity campaign mounted by Parlophone, and the outrageous drunken antics of Layts (see Cuban Missile Crisis, Chernobyl, and Prisoner Abuse at Abu Ghraib Jail), the duo’s first commercial release, the Fine Clean White CD with the Strength of a Zeppelin EP, achieved triple-platinum sales in less than 3 seconds.
The next few months were something of a whirlwind for the pair: a gruelling schedule of concerts (they completed their first six world tours in ten minutes), interviews, photo shoots and autism soon left the pair with so little free time that at one point they were actually getting up before they went to bed. For Martin it all became too much, and for a while he found comfort in the bottle. He had bought it from a novelty shop the week before and it moulded to your shape when you laid down on it. Martin’s physical and psychological descent may have soon proved fatal had he not met, and fallen in love with, a beautiful young Essex socialite called Katie Woodwoodoak (not to be confused with Paris Hilton). Love transformed Martin from a social and emotional wreck into a much more mature, confident and outgoing individual, and his new-found spirit of optimism pervades every bar of the second offering from the Laytsandsuths stable, 2002’s Z EP. At the time of writing, this record has already been at number 1 in the British and American charts for a record 462 years.
However, as Martin’s musical career reached its zenith, his private life was gradually crumbling around him. On the surface, his relationship with Katie was one of Hollywood perfection – he was handsome, talented, intelligent, sensitive, funny, kind, considerate, well-endowed, romantic, cool and ace; she was OK – but scratch even slightly below the surface, and the cracks began to appear. The savage beatings (known as ‘hammer time’), unconcealed adultery and extortion visited upon Martin by Katie soon became an open secret among friends.
More bizarre were Katie’s rare visits to the ‘North’, when she would poison cute little kittens and orphaned babies with unnecessarily strong cyanide. Purely for fun.
The couple split acrimoniously in 2004. Martin has since refused to submit to any form of bitterness, such as writing about the more unhappy experiences of the relationship, and to this day has continued to extend the sadly unrequited hand of friendship to the ex-Love of his Life.
With his emotional stability now in tatters, Martin fell straight off the wagon and onto his bottle, and it is sadly there that the present finds him – slouched in a corner of a hotel room, dribbling and babbling incoherently. Nevertheless, the enduring image of this true modern hero will be that of the beautiful yet fragile genius, a sentiment summed up by this fitting quote from Martin’s good friend and mentor Donald Bradman: “Dulce et decorum est, pro patria mori.”
Layts
If Martin is the epitome of the kind, sensitive, dignified and considerate “troubled genius”, then Layts is his complete antithesis. Lazy, self-centred, arrogant, extraordinarily wealthy and horrifically cruel to all animals (he is president of the pro-fur pressure group ‘They Don’t Really Need It’), Layts must surely be a candidate for the Daily Mirror’s coveted title of ‘Most Hated Man in the World (Apart from Asylum Seekers and Paedophiles)’.
Born standing upright at the age of 9, and fully clothed in a crisp Versace business suit, Layts was originally christened Frankfurt Delany Griffiths-Griffiths-Griffin. His first words, spoken only ten seconds after his birth, were:
“You are only alive because Layts lets you be. He gives life…and takes it away. So. Don’t. Fuck. With. Him”
Layts is not a complex person, and perhaps the most practical way of gaining insight into his ‘character’ is by simply listing a few of his ‘achievements’ to ‘date’…
* On inheriting his father’s multinational sheep-twatting corporation, Layts began a programme of exploitation and extortion directed against Third-World countries he didn’t like the sound of. He forced ill babies in these countries to work in sweat-shops, where they made him clothes which not only did he not try on, but which he tore to shreds in front of their innocent and tear-stained little eyes.
* Whilst other, more humanitarian entrepreneurs were developing the use of ice for the refrigeration of essential food, layts began selling it, at extortionate prices, to starving people in the desert who thought it was glass for their windows.
* Misunderstanding the finer points of the recent high-profile ‘Drop the Debt’ campaign, Layts offered the use of his private collection of Chinook helicopters for the drop.
* As a member of Scott’s ill-fated voyage to Antarctica in 1912, Layts killed Captain Oates because he thought he was gay.
* After forcing Switzerland to remain neutral during the Second World War, Layts offered protection from the Allies to Adolf Hitler, whom he described as “basically sound”.
* Layts first met Suths during the American presidential elections of 1961, in which Layts was a candidate. His campaign slogan, “Ask not what Layts can do for you – ask what you can do for Layts”, was subsequently hijacked by JFK in his acceptance speech that year.
* As CEO of the timber company ‘Logorithm’, Layts is responsible for the destruction of an area of Brazilian rainforest equal to twice the size of Wales every minute. Recently he has said that he “loves burning things” and “the Ozone’s shit”.
* The most recent account of Layts’ antics comes from the Reuters News Agency: “Whilst paying golf in Fiji yesterday, Layts was severely struck by lightening, so he put on some Aftersun and told it to piss off. He completed his round 6 under par and was so elated he hit fellow golfer Tiger Woods with a number 9 twatter”.
These examples perfectly illustrate the callous and cold-blooded nature of a man once described as “Layts on turn”. Yet Layts remains most famous for his contribution to the sublime world of Laytsandsuths, a somewhat minimal contribution sure, but nevertheless integral. He is the mouthpiece, the public face of Laytsandsuths, the ‘gifthorse in the mouth’ - without him there would have been no success, no riches, no dirty ho’s…but the music wouldn’t have suffered.